“It really doesn’t say as much about you as you think.”
A letter came through the door from the bank yesterday. I shook like the chilliest of chihuahuas. The problem with any correspondence from a financial institution is that I’m old enough to have to deal with the bank, but young enough that I have probably absolutely done something entirely stupid with my money. Don’t tell me that I don’t need a six foot bean bag, what do I look to you, stupid. I regret nothing.
Anyway, letters from banks, the police in general and the house phone ringing immediately make me think the worst: I think I’m being sued, I do a mental check that I’m not committing a crime (as if you could just, you know, become a drug dealer while you weren’t paying attention) or I assume my family died in a fire respectively.
It turns out it’s my new card, the successor to the one lost in Proud Galleries while I was busy feeling like velvet. I know that sounds like I was on the dancefloor giving heavy Prince, but it was nowhere near that camp. I was just getting robbed.
Back to the point, I need a wallet. The velvet play shamed me into increasing my security. I always thought that getting robbed would be a visceral event, but she just gave me a confusing compliment and left, simple as that. I went through Firebox, which is (no shit) the knicknack capital of the internet. If you want a weird foot-shaped coffee machine, a $100m dollar floating island(again, no shit! click the link) or a six foot St Paddy’s lamp to drive all women from your life, that’s your place.
I’ll admit it, I had no idea wallets had such gravity in my life but I was there for an hour – and there are only three wallets on the site. Two distinct voices emerged in my head, the one who has started to like cable knit jumpers and has opinions on politics, and the one who will build a ramp to jump stuff off and farts offensively. On certain issues they both start talking, whether or not to get a leather wallet, or a plastic card holder was one of these issues.. I asked for an opinion from other people but apparently I should shut up, so there’s that.
Here was the dilemma. Visualise buying a set of distinguished friends a scotch, everything is cool until they see what you’ve pulled out of your pocket.
“My boy, your wallet is shit” one would scoff (in this scenario he looks like Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince)
“Tasteless” another would add (Don Draper)
Then really witty insults would be traded and the group would disband. Should I ever end up friends with those two actors I’m not going to fuck up the whole vibe just because I wanted something with a latch.
The other part of me knows that’s bullshit and I’ll need the card holder when I’m quad biking and skydiving and enjoying loud nights in exotic places, despite the fact that the last thing you need in mid air is your damn bank card and I will probably not do any of those things anyway.
Leather
– Makes you feel all grown up
– You will look like you may own distingusihed wooden furniture
– You can sniff it when no-one’s around (don’t act like you haven’t)
Plastic
– Your cards won’t snap
– You will look like you may do stuff that’s alternative
– Hard to get into when you’re too drunk to be buying more drinks
– Cheaper
What do you think?
