All the ways your penis hates you.

Let me just kick this off by saying that having a dick is great. Genuinely, I shit you not, and not even in a “who-ho, chauvinism!” kind of way. My penis is one of the most useful, hilarious and pleasurable parts of my body. They’re a solid mix of sexual and ridiculous.

I say all this because I could never, willingly and knowingly write a post about the hardships that come with penis ownership without first extolling the great parts of it, and there are many. Here’s two off the top of my head.

First. Genital origami. Take a few minutes let it sink in, then check out the link, preferably somewhere private where no-one can see you and judge your character. I’ve done the hamburger. I admit it, I don’t care. I saw this on TV and ran into the bathroom with determination. Seeing the results made me cry with laughter, trousers around my ankles. It took me back to the days when I was a child, and every wobbly dangle was the best thing ever.

Second, we can pee wherever we want. (queue slow clap from all the women going “yeah, so can we.” Well try this since you’re so smug) This is going to horrify some of you, but on a few of my more drunken and solitary walks home, I didn’t even have to stop. I just found a stretch of secluded grass and did the deed while walking backwards. (I’m pretty sure at least one guy will read this and think “you beautiful bastard” and have a new item on his bucket list. You’re welcome.)

Anyway, enough with that, I’m sure I don’t need to clarify any other ways in which dicks are fun. We’re all adults.

On to the downsides. Lets start at the beginning shall we.

The Training:

Being a man means having a body part that needs obedience training. Be scant with this training and it’ll sell you out you in the most pointy way. Having a dick in your teens? My god, it’s like having crotch Tourettes.

Take these stories of suffering:

  • Deep, frantic breathing while you think of old people and animals to try and lose a random boner in the 3 minutes before you all have to stand up to leave the classroom.
  • Carrying a A4 folder around in your hands at all times because “you love drawing”, just so you have something to swing in front of you should your peen get all accusatory.
  • Getting an unwanted reaction to the sight of a woman crying and spending three hours having really dark thoughts about what sort of man you are.

These are the three top results in Google, people. I had to look this shit up to check I wasn’t a serial killer back in the day. The struggle is real.

Then you get older, and you think you’ve got it under control. Like fuck you do.

The Betrayals:

  • Trying to rest after a hard days work only to sit on your own testicles, and having no-one to blame.
  • Pissing a right angle for absolutely no reason. Two streams at 90 degrees, nothing in the toilet. 5 minutes of wiping down everything wondering what it all means.
  • After all the shit you went through as a teen, occasionally the shit will just not work.
  • When your dick touches the water / front of the bowl in a public toilet and you’re sad for the rest of the day and can’t say why.
  • Getting out of any body of water and having the most underwhelming shriv.

S’a cruel world.

I’m in a gross-out vibe today. Let me know if there’re any classics I missed. Ladies too, I’m sure there are some things about womanhood that are equally horrifying (I’m wincing trying to imagine the sensation of sweaty underboobs.)

Realistically, I’m very sceptical about getting any responses to this. But I have faith in you guys. You wouldn’t leave me hanging right.

Right?

Category : Observations
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